Little Minds, Big Skies

A common question I get from parents and caregivers is what to do about hitting in a young child.

Just like biting, hitting is very common in the early years. Young children often don’t yet have the language and self-regulation skills they need to express what they’re feeling or what they want. So before we jump to the conclusion that a child is being mean or malicious, it’s helpful to understand a little bit about what’s happening in that developing brain.

Meet Your Child’s Inner Alarm System

We all have a part of our brain called the amygdala. One of its jobs is to help our brain recognize possible threats and respond quickly.

I like to think of the amygdala as a child’s inner alarm system.

When that alarm goes off because a child is angry, frightened, frustrated, overwhelmed, or even overly excited—look out, world! Big emotions may be coming.

And in a young child, those big emotions can show themselves as hitting, biting, screaming, crying, throwing, or other behaviors that leave adults wondering, Where did THAT come from?

There’s another important piece of the puzzle.

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in things like decision-making, planning, and impulse control, is still very immature in a young child. In fact, it continues developing well into early adulthood.

That means a child can know a rule and still have difficulty stopping an impulse in the moment.

Your three-year-old may absolutely know, We don’t hit.

But knowing something and being able to control your body when you’re furious because someone just grabbed the toy you wanted are two very different developmental skills.

So What Can We Do About Hitting?

As parents and caregivers, part of our job is to help children learn what to do when that inner alarm starts sounding.

The early years are an incredibly important period for brain development. Approximately 90% of brain growth occurs by age five. These are also the years when children are beginning to develop the social and emotional skills they’ll use in their relationships with other people.

That’s why we don’t want to simply stop the hand that’s hitting. We want to teach the skill the child needs instead.

One of the most helpful things we can do is give children words they can use.

Instead of hitting when another child takes something, we can practice saying:

“I’m using that.”

“Stop.”

“I don’t like that.”

“Can I have a turn?”

The important word here is practice.

The middle of a meltdown isn’t the best time to teach a brand-new skill. When your child is calm, role-play situations that commonly cause frustration. Let your child practice what they could say and do.

You can even make it silly and fun.

Play With Emotions

Another great way to help is to practice recognizing emotions.

Try an emotion-face game. Name an emotion—mad, happy, sad, scared, surprised—and you and your child make the face together.

You can also look at pictures of people showing different emotions and ask:

“How do you think she feels?”

“What makes you think he’s angry?”

“What does your face look like when you’re frustrated?”

Learning to recognize emotions in themselves and others helps children develop important social-emotional skills.

Books can help too. Reading stories about emotions, using words, and keeping hands safe gives children another opportunity to learn—and you get some nice snuggle time together while you’re doing it.

And Remember: They’re Watching Us

Children learn an enormous amount by watching the adults around them.

When we’re frustrated, we have opportunities to model the very skills we’re asking them to develop. We can use words, name our feelings, calm our bodies, and show children what handling a strong emotion can look like.

We don’t have to handle every frustrating moment perfectly. We simply want children to see, over and over again, that big feelings are okay—and there are safe ways to express them.

The goal isn’t just to make the hitting stop.

It’s to help that little developing brain build the skills it will eventually need to say:

“I’m mad. And I know what I can do about it.”